Well hello to all of you old friends out there. Long time, no posting!
The last time I wrote on this blog was October 2011. I was in a far different place then than I am now.
As all of you MS-ers know, it is a long, difficult, confusing road after you get diagnosed. Many people told me that the time following my diagnosis would be one of the worst periods in my life. I did not know how accurate they were until I went through it myself. They were not kidding! :)
I stopped writing this blog in October 2011 because I needed to concentrate on grieving the life I knew and learning how to live this new one. It has been quite the ride.
Many readers have asked me in the past year and a half + to update this blog. I could not bring myself to do so because I had no idea what to write. I was struggling with all of the crazy stages of grief and, as my counselor so aptly put it, I was at the bottom of an emotional hole. I was spinning my wheels; not able to crawl out yet. I still needed to be down there (with my chocolate and Kleenex), working through all of the emotions that come with a very changed life.
As we've heard several times throughout our lives, "it is always darkest before the dawn". We hear these cliches over and over again but, we all have different experiences that make them ring true.
I was told that, after you work through all of the stages of grief and loss, there is acceptance. This sounds great to a person in the depths of depression...and anger...and sadness. It's a light at the end of a very dark and scary tunnel. This "acceptance" that everyone talks about is also very elusive and mysterious when you don't have it.
If you are going through what I am describing above, please hang on. "They" are not lying, acceptance is coming if you just give it time. It is not a specific, measurable thing; it is an unburdening of weight on your shoulders. It is the realization that you just smiled easily and it didn't hurt to do so. When you answered "fine" to someone's question of "how are you?"; you weren't pretending. For me, it is the hope and possibility of a great future and the ability to live a wonderful life. The awareness that dreams can be re-worked so they fit into your new abilities. That, with incredible pain and fear, comes incredible strength and appreciation of what you have. If you can do this, just hold on and deal with this and NOT GIVE UP, you can do anything life throws your way.
So, in closing, I'd like to thank everyone who has truly been there through thin & thin. You know who you are. You have seen me at the bottom of that hole, curled up, mean and spiteful, raging and screaming, hopeless and tormented. You let me grieve because you knew I would crawl back out again and that the Alison you loved was still in there, even when I didn't believe it myself. Thank you more than I could ever express for being my backbone when I was broken.
To anyone else dealing with something so hurtful that you can not imagine making it through the other side: please let my story be your backbone. This too shall pass.
It is wonderful to 'talk' to you all again. I wish you all acceptance in your life struggles and a quick time getting there!
Ali
