Guilt (gilt) - noun: Feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy: morbid self-reproach often manifests in marked preoccupation with the moral correctness of one's behaviour responses originating in inner guilt and uncertainty.
I have learned something unexpected and strange about myself in the past two months. For me, with illness...comes guilt. I started feeling it right away; even before I was diagnosed with M.S. this March. I couldn't walk as fast as I wanted or keep up with everyone - I fell behind. I was afraid that I appeared unmotivated or out of shape. I couldn't put a symbolic shovel-full of earth on the grave at my Grandmother's funeral because I had no balance. I was afraid that I looked callous and uncaring. I couldn't attend several important events like birthdays or going-away parties for friends and colleagues because I was just too tired and worn out. I was afraid that they would think I didn't care about them or was selfish.
Now today, even though I am fully aware of my illness and it's limitations, I still can't shake this persistent feeling of guilt and, even worse, shame. Okay all of you Psych majors out there; what's the deal here?! Why is it so difficult for us to ask for help or simply, some extra time to heal?
As many of you are aware, I was off of work for 6 weeks to recover from this recent relapse. Even though I knew I shouldn't, I checked my work email daily and kept up to date on business levels and happenings that I was powerless to do anything about anyway. I felt disconnected, out of touch and mentally impotent, even though I KNEW logically that it was the very least of my problems at that time. I returned to work two weeks ago chomping at the bit but have been trying to "take it easy". My neurologist told me "not to be Wonder Woman" (bless her - she doesn't know me very well yet!). Now, I am not so hot at this concept! I am a former work-through-luncher, stay-late-just-to-get-it-done-er, can't-leave-it-incomplete-er. Can you relate?
It's so messed up; now there are several different kinds of guilt in my world:
1) M.S. Guilt = MSG
(To be clear, not the kind that makes you want to be guilty again in an hour)
Definition: I feel an obligation to myself and to my health so take it slow and be careful.
2) Everything's Fine Guilt = EFG
3) But I'm Too Young Guilt = BITYG
Definition: I can't call in sick to work; I'm too young to take a real sick day! I'm letting everyone down and shirking my responsibilities; I'm too young to have a disease! I WANT to do everything I used to do with no problem or second-thoughts; I'm too young to care about this so let's party!!!!!
4) I'm Not Sick Enough Guilt = INSEG
(A.K.A.: Now This Is Just Messed-Up Guilt = NTIJMUG)
Definition: I didn't need to use my cane today but, other people with M.S. are in wheelchairs. I don't need to use the Poise pads anymore but, other people have Cancer. I think this is commonly referred to as "survivor's guilt" or something akin to that and, well, it's not fun to say the least. And frankly, I just don't get it. Psych majors, we need you again!
You can have any combination of the above too - for example, sometimes I work really hard at getting caught up on the paperwork etc. that I've missed to alleviate the BITYG guilt but, I work too hard that I get tired and then I experience the, you guessed it...MSG guilt of not getting enough rest.
I know that I've been asking a lot of questions in my posts lately and looking for help from you readers but, they don't teach this stuff in school and I'm a newbie. Sorry about that.........oh, damn. Okay, I'm not sorry...or guilty. I swear. Now I feel guilty that I'm lying..........gahhhhhh, no, I'm fine, really. Oh f&%k it, if you have any advice, please write.
Hurry.
Love Ali xoxo
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